A tale of two fathers

I have two fathers.  One raised me, and the other one I developed a relationship with in my mid-twenties.  My mother and biological father split up when I was about a year and half old, and he moved away when I was a few years old.  I didn't see my father again until I was ten.  After that, it was a handful of times over the years. 

My mother remarried when I was 4.  My stepfather quickly became and will always be my Daddy.  (I can't say I always made it easy for him!)  I am so grateful for my Dad - he was a stable, positive and loving presence in my life.  I had an emotionally difficult childhood, but he never withheld his attention or support.  If I hurt, he hurt.  He believed in me completely, even when I screwed up from time to time.  After my brother was born, he continued to treat me as his first-born.  This is what unconditional love looks like.  Not everyone who is a parent can love their children unconditionally.  I'm still working on being half the parent to my daughter and stepson that my dad was to me.  (The photo at left was taken at Easter, 1974.)

When I was 25, I developed a relationship with my biological father.  It's not easy getting to know and learning to love someone who has been a stranger most of your life.  I had a lot of fear, anger and trust to work through.  We both had to learn to accept some of the inherent limitations of our relationship.  It became easier once my daughter was born, because our focus shifted to sharing the experience of her, rather than trying to replicate what we missed all those years.  He adores his granddaughter, able to be a regular presence in her life even though he lives on the West Coast.  It is both heartening and healing. 

My father has been influential to me in other ways.  A successful business owner, he has been an entrepenuer most of his adult life.  He's hard-working, generous, good at making connections and willing to take risks.  (The photo at right was taken at Christmas, 1970.) 

As time goes on, the relationship I have with each of my fathers changes in unexpected ways.  I find pieces of myself in both of these men who have contributed to my existence and development.  I try to carefully navigate the emotional landscape between us.  Feelings can be easily hurt. 

Fifteen years later, I still find myself occasionally bewildered by the dichotomy of "dad" and "father."  I don't live within proximity to either one of them, so there is more effort to stay connected.  I didn't experience, as most children of divorce do, the balancing act of primary and step-parent relationships.  They are both my "real" fathers, but in different ways.

I could not be who I am today without either one of my fathers.  My view of the world is partially shaped by these two men who have given me their love, knowledge and attention at different times in my life when I needed it most.  I no longer question why things happened the way they did.  It was a journey I was meant to take, with profound lessons of the heart learned along the way.