Motherhood under fire

The “Mommy wars” in the blogosphere is nothing new. However, there’s been a recent uptick in abusive and harassing language between mothers locked in a battle over issues such as infant nutrition, birthing choices, attachment parenting, circumcision and home-schooling.  It’s gotten to where some well-known Mommy bloggers have had to close the comments section of their blogs or protect their tweets in order to limit some of the vitriol heaped upon them each time they publish a new post or tweet.

These attacks are just as worrisome and dangerous as bullying is among school or college-aged kids.  Right now, it’s verbally-based violence, but at what point will it cross over into acts of physical terrorism? Case in point: the Mommy wars have been erupting this past week over Jill Haskins, a mother who blogs at The Real Life of a Redhead.  Her son died several days ago due to complications from a congenital heart defect.  The “intactivist” community (people who oppose circumcision on grounds that it is genital mutilation) has been attacking her because her son experienced a hemorrhage as a result of complications arising from his circumcision. The doctors have said the circumcision was not the cause of his heart failure.  Regardless, Haskins is being excoriated by the intactivists, who blame her for her son’s death.  Recently, a number of them have threatened to protest at the funeral. 

Why would any person who has given birth to a child ever wish harm upon or say another parent deserves to lose their child?  Who are they to decide the value of another human life?  And doesn’t the child’s life have inherent meaning beyond being a symbol for someone else’s cause?

It’s horrifying to think that the “sisterhood of motherhood” has sunken so low.  We are painfully, shamefully far away from the days of the red tent, where women would join one another during their menses, assist each other during labor and birth and raise children in a collective, supportive community.  (See Anita Diamont’s novel, The Red Tent for a historically-inspired depiction based on the Biblical character, Dinah.)  Womanhood and motherhood are rites of passage we share in common, and yet an increasing number of us want to dictate the rules for everyone else, rather than respecting (or respectfully disagreeing) that there are more than one way to birth, nurture and raise a child.

Meaning and relevance becomes subsumed when we resort to acts of verbal or physical violence against one another.  Any intention to educate and encourage people to embrace your cause, whether it’s for natural birth, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, vaccinations or home schooling, is lost when you resort to judgment, anger and attacks on others whose opinions or actions differ from yours.  What sort of message are these activists teaching to their own children? In effect, they are teaching them to be intolerant, abusive, bullying and unethical.  Part of ensuring a better life for our children also involves setting the example for positive behavior and interaction with other people. 

We’re mothers raising children in a very complex and often confusing world.  We shouldn’t be engaging in guerilla warfare on each other.  We can be activists for a cause without taking someone else down in the process.  Of course the irony is that those very same activists who are fixated on their cause are probably engaging in practices that other kinds of activists would get up in arms about, like eating at McDonald’s or driving a gas-guzzling SUV.

The vast majority of children who are raised by loving, attentive and responsible parents will grow up happy and healthy.  We should encourage mothers to make conscious, healthy choices for their families in a positive and educational way, not dictating martial law.  We should be open to receiving a reasonable, thoughtful argument about a parenting topic, but not allow ourselves to be bullied by anyone – a doctor, friend or mother on some message board – to make choices regarding our children. 

We are mothers: we have nurtured and sustained life with our bodies and are often the most important emotional force in our children’s lives.  We can find common ground with each other.  We can support and educate each other in thoughtful, non-judgmental ways. We can be a force for positive change for women and their families.  We can be better - now - for our sake and for our children.

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